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Old 08-22-03, 01:25 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Application

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NAME________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________

HEIGHT________ WEIGHT__________ IQ________ GPA__________

SOCIAL SECURITY #________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_______________________________

HOME ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE__________ ZIP_____

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________

If NO, please explain ____________________________________________

__________________________________________________ _________

Number of years they have been married _______________________________

If less than your age, explain _______________________________________

__________________________________________________ __________

Do you own a van? _______________

A truck with oversized tires? _______________

A waterbed? _______________

A pickup with a mattress in the back? _______________

A condom? _______________

Pornography? _______________

Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? _______________

A tattoo? _______________

(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________

__________________________________________________ ________

__________________________________________________ ________

In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?

__________________________________________________ _______

__________________________________________________ _______

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

__________________________________________________ _______

__________________________________________________ _______

Church you attend __________________________________________________ ____

How often you attend __________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

priest? _____________


Answer by filling in the blank.
Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.


A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

__________________________________________________ ______


B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________ ________


C: A woman's place is in the:

__________________________________________________ _______


D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________ ________


E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________ ________

NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.
Leaving premises keeping your head low and running
in a serpentine fashion is advised.


What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________

__________________________________________________ ________

__________________________________________________ ________


What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________

Condoms come in packages of (circle one)

A: 3
B: 6
C: 9
D: 12
E: ALL OF THE ABOVE

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER
TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_______________________________________

Signature (that means sign your name moron)
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Old 08-22-03, 01:35 AM   #2 (permalink)
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LMAO!!!

That's Good

Brandon
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Old 08-22-03, 01:38 AM   #3 (permalink)
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If it ever came to that I would seriously stop dating.
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Old 08-22-03, 02:39 AM   #4 (permalink)
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i have to make a conscious effort to keep that away from my dad
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Old 08-22-03, 06:37 AM   #5 (permalink)
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LOL I think I failed the test
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Old 08-22-03, 08:13 AM   #6 (permalink)
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LOL I love it.
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Old 08-22-03, 08:43 AM   #7 (permalink)
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haha...that's great!!!!
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Old 08-22-03, 10:57 AM   #8 (permalink)
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You should have seen the way some of my friends dad's were in highschool...
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Old 08-22-03, 11:03 AM   #9 (permalink)
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That's so good.. I'm going to print it and use it for the futur bf of my little girl....
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Old 08-22-03, 11:17 AM   #10 (permalink)
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8 Simple Rules.

Quote:
Originally posted by gauts28
That's so good.. I'm going to print it and use it for the futur bf of my little girl....
You might also wanna check out "8 Simple Rules of Dating My Daughter" by Bruce Cameron.

Ahh heck, I'll post it here for you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter


Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.


Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.


Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.


Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.


Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."


Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.


Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?


Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.


My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate—ink washes off—and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Glad he's not my dad
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Old 08-22-03, 11:50 AM   #11 (permalink)
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That is some good stuff very funny!
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Old 08-22-03, 11:51 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Thanks HetForHuman and Lisa you both gave me great ideas for the futur.... So now we should all pray for the futur boyfriends of my daughter... That way she wont have a bf like me. I always violated those rules (could be why i'm single now)
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Old 08-22-03, 11:57 AM   #13 (permalink)
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my dad actually sent me those 8 rules. I thank heavens all the time that he never actually carved two tablets.
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Old 08-22-03, 12:18 PM   #14 (permalink)
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HAHAHA That's awesome, but I little long
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Old 08-22-03, 04:40 PM   #15 (permalink)
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*LOL* I'll betcha that Invictus is printing that out <b>RIGHT NOW! </b> *LOL*
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