A suggested telephone menu system for a veterinary clinic
To make an appointment please press 1.
To tell us your life history as well as your pet's before making your appointment please press 2.
To speak directly to a doctor press 3.
If you feel your pet's condition warrants pulling a doctor away from the patient he/she is currently seeing or operating on press 4.
For a listing of the doctor's home telephone # and beeper #, please press 5.
To schedule an emergency after hours surgery press 6.
If your regular vet is on vacation press 7.
If your pet's condition has persisted for 2-6 months but has suddenly become an emergency and he needs to be seen this evening (after 6pm)...please press 8.
For a toenail trim on your 100 lb. agressive dog...press 9. If it is before 7a.m. or after 7p.m. please press 10 for our treatment technician's home phone number.
If you would like us to hold a check for you until the following month please press 11.
If you would like us to post date a previously held post dated check press 12.
If you would like us to mail back your post dated check so that you can send us one for less money, or to make other payment arrangements...please press 13 for our office manager.
Also, press 13 if you need to bring in your 10 unvaccinated puppies with vomiting and bloody diarrhea and you have $10 in your pocket.
If you have been on hold for 10 minutes press 14.
If you have been on hold for 20 minutes press 15.
If you have been on hold for 30 minutes press 16 for the receptionist or email her at email@example.com
If you are under stress and need to project your anger at someone, press 17 for a receptionist.
To determine if your pets condition (i.e. hit by car, grand mal seizures, or unconcious) is serious and it needs to be seen today, press 18. Our team of experts are standing by waiting to debate the issure with you for as long as it takes.
If your animal has not eaten in 10 days press 19.
If you have accidentally taken your animal's flea control pill or heartworm medicine press 20.
If your reptile (snake, Savannah monitor, iguana, chameleon, etc) has been living in a dark, 30 degreem room and has not eaten in 60 days press 21.
If you live in a rural area and your "rock walder gots the mange" press 22.
If you have a 200+ lb. pot-bellied pig or other large farm animal please press 23 for drive through surgery service.
If your initials are sq. or you just want to talk press 24 and our receptionist will set up a private home appointment for you with a vet.
If your mouse was eaten by your snake, your snake killed by your cat, your cat attacked by your dog, and your dog was kicked by your goat please press 25.
None of these numbers will give you a real person, but they'll take your mind off your problems for awhile. Our automated telephone service allows us to serve your pet's needs 24 hours a day 7 days a week!