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Old 04-12-03, 05:49 PM   #1 (permalink)
beth wallbank's Avatar
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A hamster story

this has got to be one of the funniest emails that I have yet to get. I think you'll get as big a kick out of it as I did.

> > If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
> > including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
> > have you laughing out LOUD!
> >
> > Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what
> > happened:
> >
> > Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> > "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his
> > room. "He's
> > just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
> > help?"
> >
> > I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into
> > his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back,
> > looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called,
> > "come look at the hamster!"
> >
> > Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
> >
> > "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
> >
> > I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
> > didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
> >
> > "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she
> > inquired.. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
> >
> > "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
> >
> > loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
> >
> > "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
> >
> > "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
> > informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
> >
> > By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
> > shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
> >
> > "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
> > about to witness the miracle of birth."
> >
> > "OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
> >
> > "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of
> > tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
> > she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)
> >
> > We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
> > foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't
> > appear to be making much progress," I noted.
> >
> > "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
> >
> > "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
> >
> > "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
> > next
> > appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
> > times with the same results.
> >
> > "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
> > could
> > talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in
> > my
> > house?)
> >
> > "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
> >
> > We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
> > Ernie, breathe," he urged.
> >
> > "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
> > be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
> > but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
> >
> > The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
> > animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a
> > c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
> >
> > "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
> > to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
> > outside.
> >
> > "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
> >
> > Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In
> > fact,that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
> >
> > "What!?"
> >
> > "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
> > maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just
> > the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
> >
> > "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing
> >
> > this. "So Ernie's just... just... Excited?", my wife offered.
> >
> > "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
> > Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
> > laugh loudly.
> >
> > "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
> >
> > I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
> >
> > Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing
> > you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
> > bellow in laughter once more.
> >
> > "That's enough," I warned.
> >
> > We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our
> > son
> > back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
> >
> > "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
> >
> > "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
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Old 04-12-03, 05:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Old 04-12-03, 05:56 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha.... OMG, that's one of the funniest stories I've read about a pet. LMFAO!!!
Who are you callin' a freak?!
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Old 04-12-03, 06:04 PM   #4 (permalink)
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That was one of the funniest stories Bruce Cameron has done. If you want to see his other works you can see them at his latest story is almost as funny.

He's also the creator of "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter" which is now a TV show. I don't enjoy the tv show as much as his column.
Neo-Slither (Snake fanatic mailing list) http://<br />

May you live in interesting times.
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Old 04-12-03, 06:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
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HA HA HA HA funny.

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Old 04-19-03, 09:54 AM   #6 (permalink)
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lmao i just read this today...... lol freaking hillarious..... now i'll know what's wrong with my hamster is he ever does that lol
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Old 04-19-03, 12:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Lol....great story!!

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Old 04-19-03, 01:03 PM   #8 (permalink)
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On the other hand, you have differnt fingers.
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Old 04-19-03, 01:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
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ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats to funny.....
Warnning! Owner is to busy playing with her critters, tarantulas loose everywhere!!
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Old 04-19-03, 02:43 PM   #10 (permalink)
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hahaha, thats hilarious.
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Old 04-19-03, 03:27 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Oh my god! That was pretty f@*^#@' funny Beth. Thanks for sharing!
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Old 04-20-03, 12:31 AM   #12 (permalink)
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that was funny, I think I just pee'd my pants.
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Old 04-21-03, 04:12 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Thanks Beth, I gotta learn not to read the funny ones until the wife gets up..THAT was funny..what a mental image THAT paints!
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Old 04-21-03, 07:18 AM   #14 (permalink)
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That was about the funniest animal/owner story EVER!!!!
The Zombie Mama is here!
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Old 04-21-03, 12:26 PM   #15 (permalink)
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HAHAHAhahahahahaha!:jawdrop: :medbigsmi
I started to cry after reading this story...OMG! hahaha
That's the BEST story ever.
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