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Old 10-30-02, 03:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
SilverTongue's Avatar
Join Date: Jul-2002
Location: ClearLake, Texas
Age: 44
Posts: 1,185
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Talking Beer Troubleshooting

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open points towards the ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to nearest dog and complain about house training

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself tied to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action: Retire to the rest room and practice in mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out. Action:
Find out if you being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on a colorful aspect and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceed personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up at you and smiles.
Fault: You are dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: It's water, somebody is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him/her.

Symptom: Hand hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone or the room your in.
Fault: You have wandered into the wrong party.
Action: Ask them if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.
SilverTongue: )~<

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