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Old 02-02-04, 03:36 PM   #25 (permalink)
MouseKilla's Avatar
Join Date: Jun-2003
Location: Oshawa
Posts: 1,346
Sorry guys, I'm afraid you're all wrong on this. As I said before the mullet vortex is right here in Oshawa.

I have researched this extensively and I have not only been able to identify this city as the ultimate source of mullets, but I can narrow it down to a very specific location. I feel it would be irresponsible of me to reveal the exact hub of this phenomenon due to the characteristically confrontational nature of the mullet, but suffice it to say you should stay away from Simcoe St. , particularily south of Hwy. 2, however they can also frequently be found in a certain mall in the northern part of the city.

Now it may be true that there are other areas that have a high concentration of the mullet species, but this is only because a dispersion effect that is linked to the confrontational nature I mentioned above.

To complicate things there are several mullet subspecies as well as some hybridization with the normal local population that are not always easily identified. To accurately measure the level of mullet influence in a particular area it is not sufficient to simply count the number of obvious mullets you see jauntily bouncing on the collars of flannel or denim jackets.

What you must do is look for the influence of the mullet by identifying also the traits that are known to accompany the hairstyle as these traits on their own denote a strong mullet influence. The things to watch for are the previously mentioned "Hulk Hogan" style moustaches, impossibly tight and usually dirty jeans, untied hi-top running shoes, a ten-speed bicycle with it's handle bars inverted (especially if a case of empty beer bottles is being cautiously rested on the crossbar for return to the beer store), an obsession with all things that burn fuel (particularily snowmobiles, which are referred to as "sleds" by the mullet), "Snap On" jackets (especially if a matching set is worn by a couple), flannel and/or denim jackets as well as clothing dipicting the likenesses of professional wrestlers.

There are also many clues that can be found around a community that tend to suggest the presence of mullets such as mysterious tire tracks that lead off the road, up on to the grass boulevard then back onto the road that are sometimes seen in the early morning hours. These are known to be left by drunk mullets on pay day. Another sign is the discovery of one or more issues of Auto Trader magazine found in coffee shops and drinking establishments.

There are many signs but the important thing is to use these clues to avoid the mullets. As I have mentioned, they are known to be confrontational and although they are not known to be particularily effective when they attack (due to the tightness of their pants and their typical state of drunkeness) being touched by one may leave the foul odour of stale, discount cigarettes and motor oil and perhaps a stubborn stain.

Good luck and stay safe.
I feel a little light headed... maybe you should drive...
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