The ULTIMATE Resignation Letter.... You will LOVE this!!
Dear Mr._ Baker,
As an employee of an_ institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief_ among these is that my direct superiors have an _intellect that ranges above the_ common ground squirrel.
_After your_consistent and annoying harassment of my_ co-workers and myself during_the_commission of our duties, I can only surmise_ that you are one of the_few_true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a_ network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each_ time you happen to_stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a_ waste of_precious oxygen.
_I was hired because I know how to network computer_systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and _other_ employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept_of
_"cut and_ paste" for the hundredth time.
_You will never understand_computers. Something as_ incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options.
You will also_ never understand why people hate you, but
I_am going to try and explain it to_ you, even though I am sure this will be _just as effective as telling you what an_ IP is.
Your shiny new iMac has_more personality than you ever will. You walk_ around the building all day,_shiftlessly looking for fault in others.
You have a_ sharp dressed_useless_look about you that may have worked for your interview,_ but now that_you_actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked_ staff,_hoping_their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.
_In a world of _managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else_eats and_ laughs at.
Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert_principle.
_Seeing as this situation is_ unlikely to change without you getting a_full_frontal lobotomy reversal, I am_ forced to tender my resignation;
_however _I _have a few parting_ thoughts.
_1. When someone calls you in_ reference to employment, it is illegal to_give me a bad recommendation. The most_ you can say to hurt me is, "I_prefer not to comment."
I will have friends_ randomly call you over
the_next couple of years to keep you honest, because I_ know you would be_unable to do it on your own.
_2. I have all the passwords_ to every account on the system, and I know_every password you have used for the_ last five years. If you decide to_get_cute, I am going to publish your_ "favorites list", which I_conveniently
_saved when you made me "back up" your_ useless files.
I do believe that_terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed_ favorably by the_administration.
_3. When you_ borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers_b-day", you_ neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures_of _yourself in the_ mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the_techno-moron you really are._ Suffice it to say, I have never seen
such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I_ assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the_ authoring of a glowing letter of_recommendation. (Try to use a spell check_ please. I hate having to_correct_your mistakes.)
_Thank you for your time, and_ I expect the letter of recommendation on_my_desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.
One word_ of this to anybody, and all of
your_little twisted repugnant obsessions will be_ open to the public.
Never_**** _with your systems administrator. Why? Because_ they know what you do _with _all that free time!
_Darryl_ Brewer, Network Administrator
Tampa Snake Pit